Diary 14 – Therapy and Poetry.

I mentioned before that I was very interested in starting therapy due to some spiraling anxiety issues and my desire to get a dog (ESA letter ftw).

I finally took the plunge and could not be happier. She’s super nice, laid back, and a bit sarcastic like myself. She’s helping me to find my triggers right now, then we can work into the aftermath. So far most things apparently stem from a fear of disappointing people and also a fear of rejection. And, in hindsight, it’s completely true.

I won’t bore you by going into detail, but it’s extremely accurate and it’s so weird for someone who has known me for a half hour to understand me so well.

On another note, one of my friends died. I wrote this for him.

Today marks
a dark day.

One week ago you died,
needle in arm.

No alarms,
your soul flew away.

I remember how you would confide,
years ago,

in my naive self.
Anxiety, self doubt,
depression throughout.

I thought God could save you,
so I tried.
Reciting Bible verses,
Prayers and fasts.
I’d invite you to church,
then you’d laugh

And say

things to to make me think,
to question my beliefs.
But I had counter arguments
etched in my mind.

Awana, VBS, church retreats.
I could repeat
their words in my sleep.

Fire, brimstone,
suffering alone –
scare tactics for you
to accept Jesus.

But if God is so loving,
why should He scare you
to get a weekly tithe?
Or was it all a lie.

Never condescending,
you’d hear my attempts.
Slowly upending
the time they’d spent.

All those years ago
in that garage,
you’ll never know
how you changed me.

Are you in Heaven
or reincarnated?
Floating in space?
Or just my mind.

Wherever you are,
I hope you’re ok.
I hope you’re as happy
as you made us here on Earth.

It’s not the greatest, but he meant a lot to me and I’m really upset about his passing. Please don’t interpret the above as an abandonment of my faith, everyone does some questioning in their late teens and early 20s.

Lastly, I’ve been doing some decorating in my apartment which I will be unveiling by the end of the month so stay tuned 🙂

What have you been up to this week?

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