I’ve been back though for seven months and have spent the majority of that time reevaluating every aspect of my life – a somewhat daunting task.
I love India. I love going to India. I love eating Indian food (especially southern). I love watching Indian movies (especially Hindi, Malayalam, and Tamil). I love listening to the accompanying songs. And so many of my friends are from India, whom I love dearly. It’s a pretty big aspect of my life when I look objectively at everything. It’s kind of odd, some random white girl from Illinois being so wrapped up in India, but whatevs.
The main focus of my life these past five years has been travel. I would remove every obstacle from my life that stood in the way, even quitting jobs (yes, more than one), to get what I desired out of life. I saw it kind of romantically and envisioned myself as so modern and independent that I would follow my dreams whatever the cost because memories are forever, possessions gather dust, your bosses wouldn’t put a hold on their lives for you so you also shouldn’t for them. And, as much as I still believe in some of these things, I think I went too far. I think that in trying to prove everyone wrong, I wronged myself.
Don’t get me wrong (lol how many times can I say wrong), I firmly believe that everyone should travel abroad for at least one consecutive month in their lives to really see how another culture operates despite the differences. To challenge our thoughts and beliefs. To truly learn who you are by removing yourself from every familiar person and thing. But I think I crossed the line.
This year I’m staying home. Partially because I can’t afford to go abroad since I lost so much money on this last trip, partially because I need a break. But mostly because I want to grow. By moving around so much, I think I destroyed my roots and self-sabotaged a bit. I’d still love to move to India someday, but going abroad every single year for such long periods of time is a bit unrealistic.
I love my experiences and I wouldn’t trade them, even this last trip. I’ve learned so much and met so many amazing people. I’m even writing a book about them all which I can’t wait to share with you. The only thing is that in watering the grass in India, I neglected my grass back home.
That is why right now I’m really focusing on work and trying to do the best that I can. I’m focusing on the book that I’m writing. I’m trying to really reflect on what I want and the person I want to be.
One problem though is my mental health. Since getting back, my anxiety has been out of control. I cry randomly for even the smallest things. I have nightmares. I went through a period of about two months where I was so depressed that I rarely spoke to anyone outside of work and one or two close friends. I’ve always been obsessed with scheduling, but I’ve been schedule every minute of every day. I clean all the time -even at work, even at friend’s houses. I need to do what I can to work all of this out.
I had hired a therapist but things didn’t work out and I don’t really want to go through the grueling task of finding a new one. I’m looking at going back to school to pursue another degree next year.
I don’t know what the point of all of this was. I guess I just like being able to vent. I tore up my roots too many times and now I just need to repair and take care of them a bit so I can continue to grow.
Ok bye. My lunch break is over lol.